Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
The first time I heard the diagnosis. I didn’t believe them.
This is a defined mental health condition, characterized by a desire for admiration, a lack of empathy, and an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Everything I read about narcissists was negative until I was diagnosed in 2024 at age 33. They were manipulative and duplicitous, trampling on others to get ahead. I never thought I would be one of them.
But after a year, I feel somewhat relieved.
As the only child of a wealthy family, I was born after many years of hard work and immediately brought joy to my parents. My father was devoted to me and said things like, “Dimitra, you are my whole world.” I had everything I wanted: toys, gifts, trips, but most of all, I had the undivided attention and love of my parents.
In high school, I was popular with a lot of my friends, but I can’t say I really bonded with any of them.
In retrospect, this feels consistent with NPD. I couldn’t open up and show my “true self” to people for fear of being too vulnerable and losing control.
Once I started exploring my sexuality, I started changing sexual partners without worrying about their feelings.
Growing up, I continued to seek admiration from others, just as I had for my parents. Instead of becoming a lawyer, as I once thought, I studied theater and became a director and writer so that my work would be appreciated. I loved that recognition.
But all the while, I was weak inside. Ever since I was a child, I felt that my personal worth depended on my success.
After my mother passed away when I was 19 years old, these feelings started to worsen, but what led me to see a psychiatrist was… A series of crises. By my late 20s, I was unemployed, losing my father to complications from COVID-19, going through a divorce, and struggling to raise twin boys.
When things didn’t go my way, I would feel extremely sad. If one of my plays gets a bad review, I end up crying alone at home for days on end. I realized that I was getting I get frustrated when I don’t get what I want, so I stop seeing people I’m dating or friends who criticize me in the slightest.
finally, My cousin’s wife, who is a psychiatrist, encouraged me to seek professional help. I agreed because I knew something needed to change.
In the first session with my psychiatrist, we just talked. He listened when I finally expressed all my anger and sadness about how life was treating me. I told him how much my dad meant to me, how empty I would have felt without his support, and how upset I was about the divorce.
During the second session, he asked me to fill out a lengthy questionnaire. The question asked me if I was an introvert or an extrovert, and I’m the latter, and how I felt about my self-image, and I said that I’m very secure and open socially, but that I hide my inner insecurities very well.
It was during my third session that my psychiatrist told me I had NPD.
I never thought I met the criteria for a narcissist because I had many friends and beloved children in my life.
Sensing my disbelief, my psychiatrist reassured me that all people have some narcissistic traits, but that people like me have a lot of narcissistic traits. It can seriously affect their interpersonal relationships.
A narcissist can have a very large social circle, but inside he is very lonely and keeps all important parts of his inner life to himself.
He told me that when narcissism is controlled, people gain the confidence to take risks and explore life. but If unmanageable, you may be unable to form bonds with others, which can lead to feelings of extreme loneliness.
My own narcissism made me very contradictory. You can do it. Although I appeared confident, I was never honest because I was very insecure and didn’t want others to see my weaknesses.. It probably stemmed from my childhood. Signs of NPD can begin at an early age and can appear in people who were the center of their parents’ worlds as children.
For treatment, I was prescribed 10mg of a drug called Brintellix once a week to stabilize my mood swings, and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to increase my emotional intelligence towards others.
Then came the hard part, telling friends and family.
My cousin and psychiatrist wife were not surprised. In fact, she suspected it based on my behavior over the years.
When I told two of my closest friends, they embraced me without embarrassing me or making me feel like an outcast.
They accepted me, and their response meant the world. It was the first time I had a really strong emotional connection with my friends, and that wouldn’t have been possible without therapy.
It’s been a year since my diagnosis, and I’ve gotten over the initial shock and am now at peace. For the first time in my life, I I finally knew who I was at my core.
I am still seeing a psychiatrist and he shows me hypothetical situations that are happening to other people and asks me to imagine how I would feel in the same situation. He encourages me to be more open to others.
We are gradually starting to see positive changes. Once, a friend asked me to get up in the middle of the night to buy medicine, so I did. Now that I have a better understanding of how friends act for each other, I wanted to help her.
In the past, it probably wouldn’t have bothered you.
Even now, sometimes I feel more alone than ever and want to distance myself from others. But when that happens, I remember what my psychiatrist said. “This obstacle is a part of you.” It goes beyond loneliness and gives you ambition and success. Before you rush to blame it, think about what you’ll be left with if you get rid of it. ”
That’s who I am and I’m learning to live with it.
Have a story to share? Email Ross.Mccafferty@metro.co.uk.
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